A Serbian Film, part II

partea I, aici

“So picture this, Dragan”, își începu Sebi povestea. Pentru un motiv sau altul lui Dragan îi plăceau povestioarele lui Sebi.

Sebi: There I was at the beach, with this chick I’ve been talking you about, because, you know, I’ve been spending a lot of my time and money to take her on nice vacations all over the world. And as I said, she is the tall kind of woman, I mean damn! Like, over 2m. I was getting the feeling that maybe Coldea was trying to make a move, because of that boring wife of his, but I thought to myself “Sebi, you are young, good looking, I mean, sure, you could use a little more hair, but hey! Who needs hair when you are filthy rich?” and decided to give her a little Ghiță flavor, know what I’m saying? So I tell her “Hey, Laura, you know, you really look great in that swim suit!”

Dragan: And what was her reaction?

Sebi: Get this! She comes to me, leans over my ear, I mean her lips were literally touching my ear, and says “You know what I would really like, Sebi? I would like to see you in handcuffs.”

Dragan: Oh, so she was the freaky bitch type?

Sebi: That’s what I thought, but get this. The bitch was literally trying to see me in handcuffs. Like, arrest me, putting me behind bars, Dragan. She would only go out with me on vacations because she knew that when I get drunk I have the bad habit to blabber about all of my shady business, about all my partners.

Dragan: No way!

Sebi: Yeah! Couple of months later she has the whole squad getting a 20000 case file against me. This got my partners reaaaaally nervous. I have this friend, Victor, who was already in trouble, mainly because of his dipshit lawyer partner who bought him a Mitsubishi, who was so angry I was convinced he is going to slap me. You know, mainly because he punched the dipshit earlier.

Dragan: So what are you going to do know?

Sebi: Oh well, I have this guy, Liviu, who now owns the Romanian Government, who will solve it. Also, I started a miniseries on my TV Channel where I tell people about my escapades with Coldea and Laura. And then she will lose all credibility. No one in his right mind will trust her.

Dragan: I’m not sure, Sebi.

Sebi: What?

Dragan: I mean, how’s you having a history with this girl would change the perception of people about Laura, since she seems totally willing to throw in prison a so called friend, who tried to pre-bribe her with expensive vacations?

Sebi: But… She parties with corrupt people, you know?

Dragan: She might, but bitch be imprisoning corrupt people like a motherfucker, from what I heard.

Sebi: Right… Anyway, Dragan, I’m off to Belgrade, to meet with my brother.

Dragan: Are you sure that’s safe for you right now?

Sebi: What could possibly go wrong? I am so rich, Dragan, you can’t imagine! I made money selling software to State Institutions that don’t use computers, Dragan. When this will be over I’m buying you a new mansion, with 12 rooms and a jacuzzi. Just you wait!

În Belgrad se instalase primăvara. Sebi se plimba încrezător, uitându-se prin vitrine. Ajunse la locul de întâlnire, unde fratele său, Alex, îl aștepta.

Alex: Ce față ai!

Sebi: Bă, cred că păstrez lookul ăsta și după ce mă întorc.

Polițist sârb: Good afternoon!

Sebi (belind ochii): Good afternoon!

Polițist: Would you be kind to show me your documents, please?

Alex: Is there a problem, officer?

Polițist: Where are you from?

Alex (înmânându-i actele): I’m from Romania, and this is my Slovenian friend.

Polițist: Oh, Slovenia. From where, exactly?

Sebi: From it’s capital, Bra.. Ljublijana!

Polițist: Sir, could you please tell me who is the president of Slovenia?

Sebi: …Mladen Rudonja?

Polițist: Ok. I’m gonna need you both to come with me.

Alex: But my papers are ok!

Sebi: Ce mă?

Alex: Why do I need to come? Take this fucker!

Sebi: Coaie, ai uitat faza cu sania?

Artist: Sava Šumanović